Superhero Classifieds

If I’m ever going to give up my work-a-day public identity there’s no denying that I need some serious professional help. That’s where you come in, hopefully, from stage left even!

Read through and see if you can help with any of these. Every response I get brings me one step closer to saving the world. So contact me and let’s make this love story a big-budget action blockbuster!

Arch Nemesis (Super Villain)

If you’re evil and skilled, I may declare you my all time arch nemesis… that is, until I get you into police hands, then I’ll look for another one. Be as serious as I am about this, and if I like what I see I’ll ask for a photo, so be prepared for that and don’t say you don’t have a camera. If you don’t have a camera you won’t make a very good villain. Super powers, an amazing secret lair and a legion of anonymous henchmen all pluses. APPLY NOW

Super Heroine

What’s life without a female protagonist? Not an antagonist, I don’t need one of those around. My empire is well on its way to being established, but nothing looks as good as a sexy lady at my side to cover my back when the fight gets tough, compliment my combat style, and state the witty retorts best reserved for tension breakers at the end of a well earned battle victory. A regular woman may also apply, and I can be flexible on the definition of “sexy” if I need to. I have non-traditional good looks, so if you do too, you should still apply. Even if I find a superhero girl, I’ll still need another one for my regular identity too. APPLY NOW

Legion of Good (New-Era Super Friends)

If you are a pre-existing superhero and you’re looking to forge an alliance, please contact me with your details and let’s see if “two heads are better than one” or “too many cooks in the kitchen spoil the stroganoff”. Also, no weirdos or crazies need apply. This is serious business. APPLY NOW

Sidekick

I’m not sure I want one, but if you’re so good at side-kicking you can’t be beat, and you’re interested in being mine, I’m willing to find the idea entertaining. You’ll have to look out for me when we fight bad guys, and stand behind me to my right at a 45-degree angle about 9 feet away for maximum dramatic placement. Encyclopedic knowledge of hero legend required and you must have your own car, everything else is negotiable. Have a clever name, well rehearsed puns and be warned that you may be required to wear a full-face mask and/or fat suit if you’re better looking than me. APPLY NOW

Costume Designer

I’m looking for someone will exceptional skill to tailor my new costume. I’m good at it, so you have to be better, and you have to agree to never reveal my secret identity! Experience with body armor, fire proofing, bio-suits and Lycra a plus. Please explain your skills and I’ll email back to ask for samples of your work. Also let me know what you can offer for a slimming effect that isn’t a truss. APPLY NOW

Secret Base

If you have a secret base in the Fairmont, Minnesota area, I’m in the market. I’ve outgrown my current one in my living room, so let me know what you have to offer. Underground, high in a building and underwater are all good, but it can also be a massive warehouse with all the latest technology nestled in an industrial area. Must have good routes of escape in case I’m found out, covered parking, direct lines of communication with the mayor and president, and you have to provide it for no more than $300/month. The discount is good for you because you’re helping stop evil, and you may be able to write off the loss. APPLY NOW

Super Vehicle

I already have a Tron plane (seriously), but a superboat or supercar would be a welcome addition if you could donate something really awesome. If MTV is reading this and you want to Pimp My Ride, that would be most excellent, or if American Chopper wants to sponsor me for a truly redoubtable motor bike (with a motorcycle safety course) I’d be up for that too. Same goes for the car makers. This is a great opportunity for your company to get “free” publicity while helping rid the world of evil. APPLY NOW

Weapons Designer

Looking for someone who can build me a variety of superhero weapons for use in the field. Must have experience with exotic and hypothetical/imaginary materials like titanium, carbon nanotubes, and impervimantium-diamole-6. If you can show me a working prototype of your rail gun or high-intensity laser cannon, that would be beneficial. APPLY NOW

Theme Song Composer

Every good superhero needs a theme song, and since I’ll be the greatest superhero of the year at least, I’ll need the best theme song. If you’re a composer, please contact me immediately to provide a brand new, custom theme song. It’s important that it’s available in 5-second sound bite form, 30-second intro form, and full length 3-4 minute forms for my music video. APPLY NOW

You tell me!

If you have some skill or ability to participate in my global quest for good, please contact me to let me know what you have to offer. And it’s not like you’re making this offer to me, you’re making this offer to the world – you’re just doing it through me, because I am your window to world betterment. Funky grooves a plus. APPLY NOW

Please review the APPLY NOW page to answer some standard questions and make sure you’re applying in the right way, and the Terms of Service page so you understand the full ramifications, and thanks for your interest in making this world of ours a better place for our children… well, your children anywho, because I don’t have children, but I think you understand what I mean.