How to Become a Superhero

Some have warned that, in the wrong hands, this guide could be used to make yourself a super villain also, so I’ve changed it so it only works for the forces of good.

Here are the steps you must take if you’ve always wanted to become a super hero, but just never knew exactly how to go about the whole deal:

Notes About Becoming a Superhero:

Determine what super powers you have.

If you don’t have powers, figure out what will make you super, such as weapons, wit, illusion, etc.

Come up with a great superhero name. Should ideally be a play on words that says not just who you are, but what you are.

Design yourself an awe inspiring hero costume. Doesn’t have to be too snug if that isn’t your thing, but it should be bold and distinctive, so everyone knows who just made the justice happen.

Don’t do crimes, steal or be a criminal. Don’t even take free things if you get them offered after stopping a crime. Like when you stop the bank robbery and money is laying everywhere on the ground, don’t stuff a wad of hundreds down (or up) your tights. That’s still stealing and it’s still wrong.

Establish your base of operations… this can be an underground lair, an airborne dirigible, or your mom’s basement in a pinch. The most important thing is that you have constant lines of secure communication and a ready supply of Mountain Dew. A Taco Bell within walking distance is preferred, but not too critical if you have an assistant to fetch such high-protein, fat & carb-rich foodstuffs.

Select some products to endorse in the future. These can be energy drinks, power bars, miniature chocolate donuts, or anything else you think is worthwhile. It will only be important to you today, but it could be important to thousands tomorrow. The gym you work out at could just be a place that keeps you fit, or it could love you enough to fund your whole superhero lifestyle. Think about it.

When police tell you to do something, don’t attack them and run away. Don’t take wallets or purses from old ladies. Never punch or assault individuals that are not actively engaged in criminal activity. When stopping street prostitutes from plying their trade, do not first (as the Green River vigilante did) have unprotected coital relations with them, and then murder them, leaving them in shallow, unmarked graves, often while his son lay sleeping in the pickup truck… that’s not heroism, and it doesn’t clean up the streets, it just makes you a serial killer.

Don’t pick an identity like “Serial Killer Man”. It’s already been done, it isn’t interesting anymore, and you’ll end up on the wrong side of the law, not to mention me.

Take time out of your busy day of lady-flirting and crime-fighting to study new forms of martial arts, preferably from an unheard-of old man in your nearest Chinatown who teaches an unknown form of defensive or offensive combat technique named after a plant, animal or insect not indigenous to North America. Crane and Bamboo styles are good, but if you can learn Mothra or Yangtze, you’ll be among the kung fu elite.

Practice with whatever tools and weapons you use, so you’ll always know the most about them when danger is at hand and afoot. For example, if you have a smoke bomb designed to obscure your escape, test it out and make sure it’s big enough, but won’t choke you out or poison you along the way. That’s embarrassing stuff if you do it wrong.

Don’t be a villain.

Don’t die during combat.

Always keep your quiver fully stocked with one-liners for when your foes are thwarted. For example, if your enemy’s trademark is using a trebuchet, say something like, “Well I’m just throwing this out there, but your assaulting days have hit a wall.” Feel free to apply your trademark chortle after such a witticism.

Important notes about Superheroing

Always protect your secret identity. Even from your friends and family, but especially from coworkers and girlfriends. There is nothing that can destroy a well established hero identity faster than an angry ex who wants to make you look stupid. If you’re spending enough time fighting crime, that means you can’t be spending enough time with her, so you might face a tough decision to save the lives of a hundred school children, just to be unmasked for showing up ten minutes late to that anniversary dinner on the same night.

Don’t trust sexy reporters who trade intimacy for clues to your true identity. First of all, they’re lying to you and saying only what you want to hear so you’ll spill your beans and ruin your professional life of crime fighting, and second of all, from what I hear on the streets, they’ve all already got herpes from Batman, so unless you want that bumping all over you, I suggest you just skip it.

Keep a doctor or vet on retainer to repair your body from injuries you may suffer (“vet” can mean “Veterinarian” or “Veteran”, so don’t be too picky when you’re bleeding out), so you never have to go to a doctor that might report you to the authorities because of your injuries.

Also, try not to get injured, so the previous item doesn’t have to apply.

Never make allies of your friends. If it’s to your advantage to let them go, or let them believe they’re your friend, you can do it, but don’t give them any actual information or insight to you or your operations, unless it’s carefully crafted misdirection designed to later pay you dividends.

Read fine print, and never sign off on anything until you’ve read it fully and completely.